Surgery, it’s time!

 

Surgery.

 

So today was the day of my ankle surgery, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about it and got a good nights sleep… It had been a strange old few weeks, I knew I had to have this procedure done and even with this, I had a certain calm about it all. I wasn’t worried in the weeks up to my operation so much so that I wasn’t having sleepless nights. I wasn’t fretting with it on my mind constantly the days and weeks before, I was at peace with what needed to happen. I took each day as it came, even if most of those were very late nights, resulting in me getting to bed at stupid o’clock in the early hours of the mornings. These silly times made it even harder to get some decent sleep when it came to the night before my surgery! I went to bed at midnight due to having to fast and was still awake at three o’clock, only to have to get up at five o’clock for my last drink of water before fasting from fluids too. I then had to be up at six o’clock to get ready and be at hospital before half past seven, only to then be delayed and late due to a traffic accident, sadly it seemed like it was going to be one of those days and may only get worse…

I finally got there at quarter to eight, not before rushing from one side of the hospital to the other in order to get to the ward I needed to be at, worrying that I might not get operated on if I was late. It was lucky seeing as the consultants were running late too, no doubt due to the same traffic accident I passed on my way there. I got my questionnaire filled out and then had my name tags put on both wrists and was told an anaesthetist would be round shortly to talk me through what will happen. A few more basic questions and I was told I would be the second patient to be operated on, with the first being a very quick and simple procedure and with that I was told they would see me soon. I was still very quiet and calm, I had nothing to be frightened of.

A Date With Destiny.

 

Like I have mentioned a few times in  previous entries about my ankle, it’s been nice to get out the house, feel apart of training, see people I haven’t seen in ages and get back on my fitness path. It was tough in the first instance, being so unfit but it has become easier over time. Currently I’m feeling better than I have in a long time and can see and feel the differences too. I am feeling sorry for myself too, because even though I am in constant ankle pain, I have enjoyed being able to do a few vaults and jumps these past couple of months. Once I have been operated on, that will all be taken away from me for many months, the summer months of all times, when people will be the most active, whilst I will be stuck inside bored and in pain. It’s a scary prospect, but again, it has to be done for me to move forward.

 

Surgery.

 

Finally, after many unforeseen circumstances and health issues I have encountered along my agonising two and a half years of  waiting for surgery on my right ankle. I now have a date set in stone for my ankle reconstruction surgery. I’m very glad, but in all honesty I hadn’t thought too much about it and had put it to the back of my mind, knowing it would arrive sooner or later, the latter at some stage in the future. Seeing the letter with a time, place and date on it in person is scary, as you know it will happen, it has to happen! I have been suffering from a ongoing, painful ankle ever since I first injured it way back in January 2012 [1]. It took a long time to get initially to the surgery stage, weeks and months of waiting out the ‘sprain’ period which they misdiagnosed and thought all it was, going back and forth to the GP explaining that it wasn’t getting any better and it didn’t feel right. Then trying physiotherapy, which didn’t work at all and then finally getting it to be seen as serious issue with the last resort of seeing a surgeon, who in matter of seconds of examination told me what was wrong and how to fix it. I was told I might not be able to do sports again and had a possibility of it not completely ridding my pain either, which was hard to hear. I had planned to have this surgery back in 2013, though due to other health issues to do with my kidneys, I wasn’t allowed to have it done and so it was postponed until my kidney issue had been investigated and resolved, which took a year to get to the bottom of.

In regards to my kidneys I had started to develop a constant thirst which wouldn’t go away, no matter how much I drank. I’ve always been an active fellow and have always consumed a fair amount of fluids daily, between 1-3 litres. Though now I had started to consume, much, much more… I didn’t know just how much until I started to monitor it and it got to it’s tipping point where I had to have a bottle of water constantly next to me drinking every few minutes. That of course also came with it’s negatives, I was going to toilet to urinate more often than not and got to the stage where I had to go hourly or even every 20 minutes and felt like I couldn’t hold anything in my bladder. It had gotten ridiculous, I was hitting between 7-12 litres of fluid a day, unable to go out, due to fear of not being able to get to a toilet in time. I felt rubbish and drained all the time, I wasn’t even sleeping any more as I was up each hour to go to the toilet even when I hadn’t drank anything which was disrupting my sleeping pattern completely. I had forgotten what it was like to sleep through the night, the amount of fluids was also giving me upset stomachs and constant changing fevers too, not to mention my stomach was distended and the size of a beach ball and wouldn’t go down, it was horrendous. People reading this may be screaming diabetes alert! Though that wasn’t the case as the GP had me tested for it multiple times, it wasn’t a psychosomatic response either, as I couldn’t control it, even if I tried. In the end after many different blood and urine tests I got referred to a specialist to see what they thought to it all, that and they would know much more about conditions involving my symptoms more so than the GP.

While in the waiting stages between appointments and since I had this ‘condition’ I spent most of my time sullen indoors, a hermit and a hairy one at that! I had stopped shaving and being bothered about my appearance and grew an epic beard [2] it was a very depressing and dark time for me, hence why there was a lack of content on my blog for a long time. Weight gain ensued too, I was unfit, lethargic, feeling aches and pains all over, even developing chest pains and heart palpitations and was generally unhappy with life. Thankfully once I had seen the specialist, they sent me off for more delving tests which would be able to confirm if what they though I had (Diabetes Insipidus) was present or not. Even though it has the name diabetes, it’s completely unrelated to the others and only having the increased thirst and urinating in common with it.

A Bid Farewell.

 

 

 

I understand it has been a long time since I have last updated my blog, I also haven’t been feeling my usual self nor have I been training, taking photos or been up to much at all since my injury. In my previous posts I have explained, updated and expressed what I have been going through in regards to my injury from January 2012… Nothing much has changed my outlook, until today with my last glimmer of hope I had for training again being crushed.

I’m sick of negativity and whining posts, the truth is it’s been so long since I have been out to take photos, train or even exercise that I have came to the point of no return. I’ve became so unfit, heavy, weak, depressed, annoyed, frustrated and angry it’s unreal. Yet I can’t get any motivation to get out of this cycle. Sooner or later maybe that bubble will burst or so I had hoped and wished it had. It hasn’t and I do regret it… I guess that is all I have to say on the matter.

Now after going through all the bullshit NHS steps with an injury, waiting, pestering my local GP, seeing physio and more waiting, I finally reached the last step to see a surgeon. I had visited a surgeon to see what he had to say about my ankle and discuss options of how to treat it and if anything was more seriously wrong. I had hoped in my mind that perhaps it was just me thinking it was worse than it was. Then again what injury lasts nearly a year and gets progressively worse without it being serious? I guess I had hoped it would correct, or I would be told there is a simple cure for it, to keep a glimmer of hope alive for one day returning to training.

The surgeon looked over my x-rays, scans, notes and even got me to explain what had happened from the beginning. After examining me and looking at my foot from different angles and how I walked and moved he said something which I had never expected to hear as a beginning sentence.. ‘well, there isn’t just one problem with your ankle, there are multiple things wrong with it I’m afraid’. As you can imagine that was not something I wanted to hear and it stunned me completely. He explained that what had likely happened is that on impact I had tore my ligaments in my ankle (why doctors didn’t see or know this in the first place I have no idea, maybe only taking x-rays of injuries isn’t the best idea). This is one reason it was sore for so long and put me off my feet, they had healed over time the best they could but loose and with lots of scar tissue over them. This has also caused my ankle to be unstable so that my bones in the ankle joint move and cause pain when I walk or do anything. Perhaps the times I thought it was getting better and tried to train, made it even worse, having a high pain threshold and not knowing what was real pain and me thinking it was a ache was all to blame.

He explained that I require two operations for my ankle, I will need to have the scar tissue cleaned away, I will have front and sides of my ankle poked, prodded and cut to fix the ligaments back together so they are tighter and it stabilizes my ankle to a normal state. This will make everyday life easier for me, like walking rather than the ankle always giving way and making me nearly fall to the flow. He was honest and said there is a small chance that it ‘might’ also dim the daily pain I have but is unlikely to completely eradicate this, and so I will always have pain in it as well as my limited mobility in it for the rest of my life. It is very unlikely that I will be able to do sporting activities again. After the operation I’ll be in a cast for three months that may need another one after that, so 2013 seems like it will be a darker year than any other for me.

I still can’t believe it has came to this, I’ve had to quit now, forever, this is perhaps how most practitioners will end up not having the choice to quit but being forced to due to injury and slowly fade away from being known as someone who was good at something they loved to another person who used to be able to things but now is just another regular guy.  I’m not neglecting this blog though, it will still be updated with past adventures and maybe in the future some more of my photography and video work, when and if I decide to go back out with the community when I am healed.

It was a total pleasure to have trained while it lasted, creating lots of good memories through photography and videos, travelling and meeting so many awesome people along the way.

– Zade

The Devil From Within.

So as of late I have succumb to no training at all, this injury is the bane of my life. I have no desire to train, take photos, workout, eat or do much at all, and then to top it all the ankle is set to be worse and needs a closer inspection…

 

Evil Eye.

 

For a months I’ve not moved or done much of anything physical apart from  bit of gardening seeing as I’ve moved house recently. I’ve been in a dark place of self pity for a long time now and I really don’t know what to do about it. Having no internet or care in the world has been great though, it made a chance to not be bothered about what was going on around me training wise or in general life. I gave up the idea of training and stopped caring about it long ago. It hasn’t just been my ankle that has been injured, it’s my well being… My heart and soul,  the love and passion for exercise. As silly as that sounds it’s the truth. I’ve never been a quitter even when things have got tough, I would always find a way to cope, find an alternative way to train, never say never even if I was to be tragically injured and unable to train I would find a way! Yet with this injury it’s plaguing me for so long and draining the life and motivation out of me it’s unreal. I’ve had prolonged injuries in the past but at least with those they got better over time and were manageable, this however just doesn’t seem to be healing and giving me any leeway. Twenty twelve really is the year of the injury for me, I’ve been getting niggling injuries here and there for a while now, maybe it’s my bodies way of telling me it’s time to throw in the towel and quit.

I decided to stop trying to train, stop working out and cut everything off completely. It sounds depressing to just cut things so quick but that is exactly what I have done. People say it is very out of character for me to do that and  quite worrying and I’d have to agree wit them for the above reasons, but now I’ve got so used to being this way that it’s hard to snap out of it try as I may. I’ve tried the occasional working out but fail at the first hurdle of telling myself I’ll do one the next day. If I do manage to try and workout it lasts a few minutes then I think what is the point and then go back to a vegetating on the computer.

What do I have to look forward at the moment? Not a lot, I’ve dropped around a stone of weight all due to being annoyed at myself and depressed about not being able to have movement in my life (why be such an emotional bitch for? It’s only an ankle). For someone who is very active and has always been active it’s a mental battle to stay strong and see the things to look forward to or keep happy about. I used to like to condition and do upper body then do lower body and throw in some Parkour, jogging, skipping and other forms of exercise to keep things fresh and mix it up from time to time. All I can do now is upper body, lift some weights, do body weight holds, pull up and press ups. When I got tired of that, there is nothing else I could engage with to shake things up with and so I’m limited and that makes things tedious. so slowly but surly it ate away at me and beat me down until I was in a zombie like state, I gave in. I no longer had a purpose to train for, I couldn’t see the benefits of what I was working towards any more so what was the point in continuing with it all.