A Bid Farewell.




I understand it has been a long time since I have last updated my blog, I also haven’t been feeling my usual self nor have I been training, taking photos or been up to much at all since my injury. In my previous posts I have explained, updated and expressed what I have been going through in regards to my injury from January 2012… Nothing much has changed my outlook, until today with my last glimmer of hope I had for training again being crushed.

I’m sick of negativity and whining posts, the truth is it’s been so long since I have been out to take photos, train or even exercise that I have came to the point of no return. I’ve became so unfit, heavy, weak, depressed, annoyed, frustrated and angry it’s unreal. Yet I can’t get any motivation to get out of this cycle. Sooner or later maybe that bubble will burst or so I had hoped and wished it had. It hasn’t and I do regret it… I guess that is all I have to say on the matter.

Now after going through all the bullshit NHS steps with an injury, waiting, pestering my local GP, seeing physio and more waiting, I finally reached the last step to see a surgeon. I had visited a surgeon to see what he had to say about my ankle and discuss options of how to treat it and if anything was more seriously wrong. I had hoped in my mind that perhaps it was just me thinking it was worse than it was. Then again what injury lasts nearly a year and gets progressively worse without it being serious? I guess I had hoped it would correct, or I would be told there is a simple cure for it, to keep a glimmer of hope alive for one day returning to training.

The surgeon looked over my x-rays, scans, notes and even got me to explain what had happened from the beginning. After examining me and looking at my foot from different angles and how I walked and moved he said something which I had never expected to hear as a beginning sentence.. ‘well, there isn’t just one problem with your ankle, there are multiple things wrong with it I’m afraid’. As you can imagine that was not something I wanted to hear and it stunned me completely. He explained that what had likely happened is that on impact I had tore my ligaments in my ankle (why doctors didn’t see or know this in the first place I have no idea, maybe only taking x-rays of injuries isn’t the best idea). This is one reason it was sore for so long and put me off my feet, they had healed over time the best they could but loose and with lots of scar tissue over them. This has also caused my ankle to be unstable so that my bones in the ankle joint move and cause pain when I walk or do anything. Perhaps the times I thought it was getting better and tried to train, made it even worse, having a high pain threshold and not knowing what was real pain and me thinking it was a ache was all to blame.

He explained that I require two operations for my ankle, I will need to have the scar tissue cleaned away, I will have front and sides of my ankle poked, prodded and cut to fix the ligaments back together so they are tighter and it stabilizes my ankle to a normal state. This will make everyday life easier for me, like walking rather than the ankle always giving way and making me nearly fall to the flow. He was honest and said there is a small chance that it ‘might’ also dim the daily pain I have but is unlikely to completely eradicate this, and so I will always have pain in it as well as my limited mobility in it for the rest of my life. It is very unlikely that I will be able to do sporting activities again. After the operation I’ll be in a cast for three months that may need another one after that, so 2013 seems like it will be a darker year than any other for me.

I still can’t believe it has came to this, I’ve had to quit now, forever, this is perhaps how most practitioners will end up not having the choice to quit but being forced to due to injury and slowly fade away from being known as someone who was good at something they loved to another person who used to be able to things but now is just another regular guy.  I’m not neglecting this blog though, it will still be updated with past adventures and maybe in the future some more of my photography and video work, when and if I decide to go back out with the community when I am healed.

It was a total pleasure to have trained while it lasted, creating lots of good memories through photography and videos, travelling and meeting so many awesome people along the way.

– Zade


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