The Devil From Within.

So as of late I have succumb to no training at all, this injury is the bane of my life. I have no desire to train, take photos, workout, eat or do much at all, and then to top it all the ankle is set to be worse and needs a closer inspection…

 

Evil Eye.

 

For a months I’ve not moved or done much of anything physical apart from  bit of gardening seeing as I’ve moved house recently. I’ve been in a dark place of self pity for a long time now and I really don’t know what to do about it. Having no internet or care in the world has been great though, it made a chance to not be bothered about what was going on around me training wise or in general life. I gave up the idea of training and stopped caring about it long ago. It hasn’t just been my ankle that has been injured, it’s my well being… My heart and soul,  the love and passion for exercise. As silly as that sounds it’s the truth. I’ve never been a quitter even when things have got tough, I would always find a way to cope, find an alternative way to train, never say never even if I was to be tragically injured and unable to train I would find a way! Yet with this injury it’s plaguing me for so long and draining the life and motivation out of me it’s unreal. I’ve had prolonged injuries in the past but at least with those they got better over time and were manageable, this however just doesn’t seem to be healing and giving me any leeway. Twenty twelve really is the year of the injury for me, I’ve been getting niggling injuries here and there for a while now, maybe it’s my bodies way of telling me it’s time to throw in the towel and quit.

I decided to stop trying to train, stop working out and cut everything off completely. It sounds depressing to just cut things so quick but that is exactly what I have done. People say it is very out of character for me to do that and  quite worrying and I’d have to agree wit them for the above reasons, but now I’ve got so used to being this way that it’s hard to snap out of it try as I may. I’ve tried the occasional working out but fail at the first hurdle of telling myself I’ll do one the next day. If I do manage to try and workout it lasts a few minutes then I think what is the point and then go back to a vegetating on the computer.

What do I have to look forward at the moment? Not a lot, I’ve dropped around a stone of weight all due to being annoyed at myself and depressed about not being able to have movement in my life (why be such an emotional bitch for? It’s only an ankle). For someone who is very active and has always been active it’s a mental battle to stay strong and see the things to look forward to or keep happy about. I used to like to condition and do upper body then do lower body and throw in some Parkour, jogging, skipping and other forms of exercise to keep things fresh and mix it up from time to time. All I can do now is upper body, lift some weights, do body weight holds, pull up and press ups. When I got tired of that, there is nothing else I could engage with to shake things up with and so I’m limited and that makes things tedious. so slowly but surly it ate away at me and beat me down until I was in a zombie like state, I gave in. I no longer had a purpose to train for, I couldn’t see the benefits of what I was working towards any more so what was the point in continuing with it all.

Motivation has been lacking and seeing myself slowly fade away is the most frustrating thing I have ever done, yet I can’t find any motivation to get things back on track. Believe you and me I’ve tried multiple times. My exercise consists now of a bit of gardening which is mainly using the forearms if anything, and carrying the shopping home in multiple heavy bags. Long have the days gone when I used to enjoy being out, look forward to training each and every week, taking photos of others and enjoying the pain of working out. I’m starting to feel old before my time, feeling aches and pains in my joints as well as most of them cracking as I move. I’ve been very lax with my blogging too, focusing more on the posts from the past (2005) of photos I had never  uploaded or times I had not spoke about in great detail. I guess this in some way is me reminiscing about the old times, the nostalgia is great for others to read about but for me I guess I’m just trying to hang onto some false hope that I will once again train when I heal.

 

Motivation.

 

The NHS doesn’t do me any favours either, covering their backs making you go through the motions even when I know in my heart of hearts my ankle hasn’t been good since day one. I’ve still had to have it x-rayed, get told it’s just ligament sprain/ damage, then wait for physio to go through which is more time wasting. It looked to be good in the beginning but in the end it didn’t make me much further along with healing as I had hoped. Even the physio agreed that I shouldn’t have constant pain six months plus down the line. Did the Doctor get back to me like the physio said… Nope so now I have to wait and make an appointment to pester and get him to go through the next stage which will be god knows what. I thought the priority was to help people and make them better as soon as possible not drag the process on for the end of time.

My ankle twinges trying to stand up from sitting and makes the pain feel like the day I did it and unable to bare weight for a few hours. I still find it difficult to walk up an inclined path, bending the ankle still hurts too in a lunge position. The doctors at the hospital didn’t really explain what to do with it when it first happened and how to treat it. To top it all I recently injured my thumb unrelated to a sport. I thought I might have broke my thumb after falling on it and it cracking loudly and bending under my hand. It didn’t half hurt and felt numb, it then swelled and made it hard for me to move the thumb or grip. The pain got worse throughout the evening and then I decided to get it checked out the next day.  Turns out it was hyper extended and has ligament damage too…

Just what I didn’t want the only difference with this was since the moment the injury occurred I made sure to move it all evening keeping it moving and using it as normal, the best I could.  I didn’t even RICE it either like I would usually do even though it hurt. The Doctor explained to me that with hands, elbows and ankles it is best to use them as normal as possible, pain permitting otherwise they cease up and you lose range of motion and then will find it much harder to gain better motion down the line. Maybe I should have done that with my ankle and it would have been a different story all together. He was very helpful and spent his time talking to me and making sure he had not missed anything on my x-ray with a break which might not be showing up. I wish more doctors were like that in the NHS health service, apart from the private patients who get that any way because they are paying for it.

Jealousy, envy, frustration can all be wound up as emotions which are apart of how I have been or still feel at the moment. I hope sooner than later I get a spark of wanting to workout, take photography and appreciate movement again.

 

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2 Responses to “The Devil From Within.”


  1. 1 Tim Hurst September 14, 2012 at 13:33

    Hey Zade, it’s Tim from Leicester here. I happened to come across the link to this post on Facebook. Sorry your having such a tough time of it man, it sounds awful.

    Several years ago I got a supposedly ‘good’ job, at the time I was training 6 days a week. Each year, despite my best efforts I’ve been training less and less (and working more and more), until this year I pretty much stopped training completely. I also main a decision that right now I just don’t have the energy, or that spark, to train properly. I can’t describe how low and run down I’ve felt at times.

    It’s a completely different situation, and it must be so much worse for you. But I understand what it is like to want to train on a ‘logical’ level, but to feel completely worn down and have no energy or enthusiasm on a emotional level from all the shit the world throws at as us. To not feel that spark that was always taken for granted, or to feel enjoyment in training despite how hard you try.

    Something I’ve come to realise is that will power and effort are a poor replacement of enthusiasm and joy. What’s helped me in recent month is really pursuing new things that excite me, things which take a little courage but to too much effort to achieve, things that take me out of my comfort zone. I made a list of all the things / experiences I’ll love to do and places I’d love to go in my life time. Then I choose my top three of those to those to work on. I set my self a five minute task, that I could do that day, to start moving myself towards each of those goals.

    Training harder is great, but when your run down emotionally, I’ve found that hard training only runs you down further. I think this is even more true when you’ve been training for a long time. What has worked for me is finding new experiences that excite and interest me (Not all are physical at all), and for the first time in ages I’m actually having some fun! With that, I’ve found that the spark for training has gradually started to return naturally as I’ve started to lift myself out of a quite a negative place.

    Sorry to write an essay, and feel free to disregard it, but I definitely can relate in some ways.

    See you about and good luck with everything man!

    Tim


  1. 1 A Bid Farewell. « Zade's Training Blog. Trackback on January 6, 2013 at 22:00

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